I Just want to Walk Away

Confused, tired and at the end of my tether.

If I could walk away now I damn well would, placement really shows me how far I have to go. At the end of my first year I should feel happy at my success but I don't because in hind sight it feels like nothing, exams are right around the corner and I’m dubious of my own ability to pass them. Placement = hard work, long hours and lots of questioning. I loved the Midwife Led Unit then they moved me to the high-risk delivery suite and I was lost, it's so medical and so not what birth should be like. It definitely made me think that community midwifery is better suited to me, although I didn't know it at the time it was honestly amazing. I am really dreading next year when all the placements I have are on delivery suite :( I can barely manage a month let alone over half my time there next year. It's not hell but it’s close to it!

I have had a few days off which I was supposed to use to do work but instead I decided it was much more fun to rearrange my room, that’s how desperate I was. I put the PRO in Procrastination! One more week left then I get 2 weeks revision time, which means my room, will be immaculate due to the fact that I would much rather avoid work.

Am I nearly there yet?

  Tired is a word that doesn't even come close to how I'm feeling right now. Which is the reason for me ignoring everything other than work, my washing pile is now sky high and my diet has now become anything that I can grab and eat in 5 seconds flat. The short shifts on delivery make it seem like I never leave, it is so different from the MLBU it's ridiculous. I've gone from lovely water births and natural births to seeing every woman with an epidural, CTG and all laying on the bed. Everything I learnt in the first 2 weeks is being scrubbed off for a more high-risk approach. It is sad because women don't understand the possibilities that they have regarding childbirth and how a few metre from delivery to the MLBU can be the difference between natural and medicalised.
  I think many other people in the cohort are suffering and struggling to get their heads round the placement it's supposed to be a low risk normal placement but it's so difficult to get nice normal births. You can't help thinking that maybe doctors and midwives interfere when there is no need to.
  While I am at my rant, I’ve also started to get a bee in my bonnet about pain relief during labour. When it is low risk women cope by mobilising, using water, Paracetamol and a bit of Entonox but when you look at the delivery suite pain relief it's Entonox, Pethidine or epidural! It seriously makes me want to scream! I don't know if it's my mentor who is uncomfortable with women making noise but she is very quick to get in the room and give that woman stronger pain relief even though she may be coping very well.

Rant over :)

Nothing to worry about

After my first day I was left feeling both completely knackered and euphoric, who knew a job was able to make anyone feel like that. I'm so lucky! However, getting up at 5:30 am on a weekend isn't my idea of a good one but if it means I get to do what I do it's all worth it. The team are so lovely and I was Lucky enough to have my first shift with one of the girls from my cohort so when it was quiet we would become little explorers in a HUGE alien world that is the hospital.
Anyway I caught one and that was fairly scary I knew that I was going to be hands on when my mentor asked me what size gloves I wear... That was enough to put me in a mad panic, although I am developing a skill called professionalism, which basically means panic but on the inside and smile on the outside :) that takes a bit of work to perfect!

I must not panic

So University life is near enough over for the time being, which means entering into the labour ward...

The fact that everyone says it will all be fine doesn't really make it any easier, plus having to
get out of bed a 5:30am in the morning doesn't help.
At the minute I would call my preparation for labour ward as panic revision, we've been given a session on newborn resuscitation and a bit around the stages of labour but the rest is still a bit of a blur to me! There's lots of ends that need tying and things that need doing, Thankfully I only have 3 12.5 hour shifts next week which means 4 days off :)

On the brighter side, my plant has decided to go crazy and give me some very pretty purple flowers which is nice, however my little tree isn't looking so fantastic. Not sure what I've done to upset it but it's definitely not happy.

The other day I was thinking that I'm going to have to start taking some things home with me because there is so much crap building up here that I won't be able to get it home all in one go. This is a job I am not looking forward to because it will mean that I will have to have a clear out, which is my least favourite thing to do.

One week left

 One week remaining until labour ward is tackled, I have my first shifts on the low risk ward so I will be able to get some nice low risk births in. I only have to do three shifts a week for the first 2 weeks because they are 12.5 hour shifts so although having 4 days off is lovely I still have to do three night shifts on the trot, I can only imagine my marvellous mood at the end of that.

 The revision process is well underway, the only problem is that as soon as I think I know something they throw something new at me and I’m back to square one. After my little strop about my essay I soon recovered and was back the grind of reading =_=

 This week was lovely we had a 3-day week, which is more than enough and yesterday I was left to my own devices to revise what I fancied. Today we were put through our paces with circulation of the fetus and how it changes. Safe to say my brain almost gave up, never the less I’m really enjoying module 3. It involves a hell of a lot more input that the past two modules but I can understand why.  The fear of labour ward is enough to make anyone study their asses off, so as not to look like a complete idiot when your there.

                                                                                                                   

Ps. Accidentally dyed my hair pink, that should make everyone laugh at home xx

Pass

Found out today that I passed my last assignment, which is good.
However I had to fight back a bit of disappointment as it is a LOT lower than my first graded essay and although I found it harder and spent a lot more time on it, It is still not all that higher grade,  a pass though and that's all I wanted.

Moving on another week crossed off the calender and in 15 days delivery suite is calling- Something else to stress about. The prep that I've done for the placement though is good and having my outcomes to look at means that I kind of know what I'm aiming for.
Revision for exams has commenced and everything is just bobbing along nicely so I refuse to get worked up about the essay score, It's a pass, it's what I needed and I got it. So don't have any reason to complain.

Ps. Father could you please send me a picture of our new pond/swamp, sounds like an interesting project to be starting in the middle of our wettest drought in history.
A picture of ginger puss would be appreciated to :)

Has it only been a week?

  Module 3 hit me like a brick wall. The lessons are long and crammed with things I have to remember for the exams. My brain is currently in a state of shock due to the amount of things that I've been trying to cram into it. The revision guide has been started and already and I feel like I'm writing a book.
 Drug calculations are the next hurdle I have to overcome, to be honest they're not difficult, the problem is as soon as I hear maths the panic button in my brain gets pushed and I'm screwed.
  EBL presentation is coming along nicely and I plan to do a bit more research on the pelvic floor muscle as it's still a bit confusing for me...

Lots to do and not much time to do it in =_=

Hello Module 3!

  Time in my first year at university is rushing by now, it only seems like yesterday when I moved in and began this long journey. It's hard to believe that this is my last term and module as a first year and that next year my role and responsibility changes and expands.  So module 3 started today and it's safe to say the anxiety of something very new and different scared the whole cohort into silence.
  Mod 3 focuses on labour and delivery and there sure is a hell of a lot to learn about it. The fact that there is no essay in this term is brilliant, however there is still the small matter of the exams. Which are just around the corner... Revision has already started and nerves have already made their way nto my subconscious.
  So apart from the fact that every time I think about this module and all the work it entails my stomach tries to leap out of my throat, I'm so excited. This is the module I've been waiting for and the teacher we have for this module is amazing so already I'm hyped for it. 
  Another plus on the scale is that I passed my placement so that's another tick on the Done list. Now it's the dreaded wait until the 5th of May for the essay feedback.
 plus,  last night I swam 2000m beating everyone in my lane (not that I'm competitive or anything) so it's safe to say I'm very proud of myself  :) :)

Trying something new

Master chef :)
Kirstie & I managed to throw together some very nice cup cakes and a coffee cake, safe to say we are very pleased with ourselves :) Cupcakes are rather yummy!
The coffee cake isn't too bad either :)

Back to reality

My last term as a first year has begun and I have the feeling this is going to be the hardest one yet (which makes sense). With Exams, Labour ward and massive amounts of EBL I get the feeling drowning is what it's going to feel like for most of this term. I finished last term  on a fairly neutral feeling . However,  the realisation and shock that I've nearly completed a year is all a little scary.  It's all about to get very hard very quickly, I found out my mentors name for my Labour ward placement and heard positive things about her, but that doesn't make me feel any less nervous. I can feel myself creeping up the roller coaster again and I'm waiting for it to suddenly drop me into the big dark hole of stress and worry. Although, It can't be impossible others have done it before me and they've survived! I can to, I just need to get into the right head space first :) 
After decorating my room during the holidays moving back into my uni room was less fun. I was just getting used to the space.
Swimming is going well and  I managed to swim 1,125m Last night, and I'm hoping to do better tonight although I've been cycling a lot today so I expect I'm going to be useless. anyway EBL presentation work needs doing and it won't do itself so I'm off to fight with it for a bit more. Fun =_=
ps. I hope My GG isn't missing me too much :) x