Tuesday, 17 January 2012

The student bible...Some of which are very true!

So what if Jesus turned water into wine...I turned a whole student loan into Vodka once. Your move Jesus...

1)Thou must follow the student bible

2)Thou must get absolutely hammered in Fresher’s week

3)Thou must participate and excel in drinking games

4)Thou must be honest when playing I have never

5)Thou must be extremely hungover for the whole of introduction week

6)Thou must not cook thy own food

7)Thou must avoid green food at any extent

8)Thou must live off take aways, beans, pasta and vitamin tablets

9)Thou must show no shame when going in to uni in your pyjamas

10)Thou must bring several trophies back from a night out, cones, chairs, tables, posters and a member of the opposite sex

11)Thou must not attend over 50% of lectures throughout the year as they are all online

12)Thou must take it in turns to carry each other home

13)Thou must be over friendly in Freshers week and then realise that you don’t even like half the people the next week….

14)Thou must have the biggest sound system in the block

15)Thou must wake up and start drinking the following day

16)Thou must excel at being a lad/ladette

17)Thou must NEVER shy away from a forfeit

18)Thou must streak on thy Varsity matches

19)Thou must take thy clothes off at any given opportunity

20)Thou must excel at Fifa

21)Thou must do the unusual on a night out

22)Thou must be the maddest bass in the club to show you are a true student

23)Thou shalt make a paper airplane out of any papers given to thou by lecturers

24)Thou shalt always abide by the laws of spillage is lickage

25)Thou shalt agree that if thou rememberest the night before, thou wasn't drunk enough

26)Thou shall complete thy work at the very last minute with references from Google because drinking should be thines top priority and work leaves no time for it.

27)Thou shalt always drink some alcoholic beverage (preferably a homemade concoction of lager, vodka and red bull) in lectures and seminars as a form of pre drinking. No exceptions even if you are (for some reason) in a morning lecture.

29)Thou must use words such as epic, lad and other student lingo

30)Thou shalt place bros before hoes and Lays before A's at all times.

32)Purchase Asda's own kentucky Brand Whiskey and own brand coca-cola to remind you that you once drank Jack Daniels and Coke.

33)Thou shall produce student cards in every possible situation to ensure maximum discount

34)Thou shall always obey the rules of shotgun, regardless of current situation.

35)Thou shalt only drink twice a year; when tis thine birthday and when tis not

36)Thou shall never under any circumstances attend lectures before 11am or after 12 noon.

37)Thou shalt use being drunk as an excuse for outrageous behavior.

38)Thou shall go out with a tenner and still wake up the next morning with no recollection of the night before

39)Thou shall not go to America but must be in some states

40)Thou shalt never be the designated driver

41)Thou shall obey the rule of quoting at least one Anchorman catchphrase with every drink poured.

42)Thou shall go out with £10 and awake the next morn with £41.25 with no recollection of how, why, where or what

“Mm, I love scotch. I love scotch. Scotchy, scotch, scotch. Here it goes down. Down into my belly. Mm-mm-mm.”

43)Thou shall never refuse the dirty pint

44)Thou must refer to a shocking morning, afternoon and evening as a 'shorning', 'shafternoon' and a 'shevening'

45)Thou shall wear thy wellies in freshers week as thou will be knee deep in clunge.

46)Thou shall never pre drink, as thou should have never stopped drinking.

47)Thou shall always be up for jäger bombs

48)Thou must never decline a challenge once the words 'man up' hath been said

49)Thou shall never use the term " the walk of shame" but instead, "the stride of pride"

50)Thou shall never turn down any form of alcohol. Be it exam night or not.

52)Thou shall flirt shamelessly for a double vodka red bull

53)Thou shall NEVER refer to a fellow drinker as "drunk" or "wasted" as they have merely begun the absorption of critical banter fuel

54)Thou shall always refer to Primark as Primani to show that you appreciate student fashion

55)Thy shall NEVER throw away a Pot Noodle once it is done, for it is then, a cup

56)Thou must remember, if it seems like a terrible idea it must be done

57)Thou must take a break after writing the title of the assignment

58)Thou shalt always remember that alcohol left by someone else in thy house becomes thine own

59)Thou shalt not merely kiss and tell, but shall shag and shout.

60)Thou shalt practice the art of minesweeping when funds are low, and continue when funds are not low as practice for low fund times.

61)Thou shall always fulfill their moral duty and save the Queen whenever the penny is dropped

62)Thou shall partake in some form of 'man points' system

63)‎Thou shall only go out drinking on a weekday student night when in Preston, Manchester, or Liverpool for it is to dangerous and expensive on a Saturday.

64)Thou shalt get to uni and immediately open the vodka

65)Thou shalt count a bottle of cider as one of your five a day

66)Thou shalt not stop the party till the police walk in. Then thou shalt invite them to join in

67)Thou shalt walk home, rather than pay for taxi as this be waste of beer money

68)Thou shall spend half your loan on the first day on clothes and alcohol and definitely NOT on equipment for uni.

69)Thou shalt always see a passed out person as an object to be decorated

70)Thou shalt claim that thy mother and thy father "ruined my life" yet shalt rely on them for money, as thou has no job and is "too good" for thy dole.

71)Thou shall only attend lectures 20 minutes late and upon refusal of entry due to this lateness thou must remind the lecturer who is paying for who to be there.

72)Thou shall sneak vodka into clubs and add this holy spirit to the mixer which you purchase

73)Thou shall wear a hat in lectures when still drunk, because hats disguise all

74)Thou shall be a fearless wingman and push thine friend into the chick he likes while you take one for the team and keep her friend "preoccupied"

75)Thou glass is never half empty. If it is, thou should learn to take shots properly

76)Thou shalt never have a hangover for this means that drinking has stopped

77)Thou must save thy taxi money for more alcohol and take the ambulance home

78)Thou shalt erect a "Chunder Chart" and place it on thy wall in thy kitchen as if it were the mona lisa

79)Thou shall shout "bogey" in lecture and that bogey will be received by a louder "bogey", to which you will deploy a louder "bogey" this will continue until one or more boogers are expelled from the lecture hall at which point remaining boogers will chant "bogey, bogey" in protest for fellow boogers to be re-instated to their seats.

80)Thou shalt always remember that blood fucks up thy alcohol system.

81)Thou shall take advantage of every student discount going to allow for more spending on booze.

82)Thou shalt not commit sobriety

83)Thou shall always find amusement in cheering, applauding (and thus confusing) complete strangers for simply walking into a room or onto a bus

84)Whenst thou hearest 'Party Rock Anthem' thou must stoppeth what (or whom) thou is doing instantaneously... and shuffle.

85)Thou shall place unbearable peer pressure on those who fail to live in accordance with student bible! to show a duty of care

86)Thou shalt pay homage to the 2nd, 3rd and 4th year students, for the higher the year, the greater their experience of the university religion...and thou ist but a lowly fresher.

87)Thou shalt ask "do you do student discount" before every single purchase, even if its primark and thou already knows the answer

88)Thou see Orange Cone,Thou take it

89)And on the 3rd day, God created 'Student Discount' so that man could have a free cheeseburger with his Big Mac meal.

90)Thou shalt have no shame in finishing off half drunk beverages regardless of who they may belong too

91)Thou must eat a bonsai tree, to immediately become fun and interesting.

92)Thou must not give blood as thy blood is worth at least £40 worth of alcohol

93)Thou shalt always choose thines favourite bar based on the price of Jagerbombs and not on the quality of the establishment.

94)Thou must always perform a "Chunder Dragon" and shout "Chunnnndaaaa draaagoooon" whilst throwing up.

Chunder Dragon: While in the process of projectile chundering due to excessive alcohol consumption, flapping your arms up and down so that you look like a dragon.

The Student Prayer

Our Students in thy Union,
hallowed be your alcohol.
Your hangover to come,
your heads will be done,
on student discounts as it is in Costco.
Give us this day without a hangover,
Mum and Dad forgive us for our student debts,
as we also have forgiven our drunk friends.
And lead us not into a full time job,
but deliver us from the Job Centre."

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